We’re back with another spicy Reddit Reactions episode! This week, we dive into two wildly relatable ADHD relationship posts: one about a partner claiming “you lost your sparkle” (eye roll), and another spiraling over chores, shame, and new-job burnout. We unpack toxic dynamics, people-pleasing, clutter blindness, and why you’re not weaponizing incompetence.
We’re back with another spicy Reddit Reactions episode!
This week, we dive into two wildly relatable ADHD relationship posts: one about a partner claiming “you lost your sparkle” (eye roll), and another spiraling over chores, shame, and new-job burnout. We unpack toxic dynamics, people-pleasing, clutter blindness, and why you’re not weaponizing incompetence.
For more on this topic:
Timestamps:
(01:00) A sparkle-stealing husband
(04:10) Is it ADHD… or a toxic partner?
(08:20) ADHD shame spiral: “I can’t do anything right!”
(11:40) Clutter blindness and burnout
For a transcript and more resources, visit Sorry, I Missed This on Understood.org. You can also email us at sorryimissedthis@understood.org.
Cate Osborn: Hi everybody and welcome back to "Sorry, I Missed This," the show where we talk about all things ADHD and its impact on intimacy, sex, communication, relationships, and more. I have some incredible news for you, dear listener. You all loved the last Reddit mailbag episode so much that we're doing it again. Please welcome to the show my fabulous, my amazing, my producer, Margie DeSantis.
Margie DeSantis: Hello.
Cate: You're back.
Margie: I'm back.
Cate: The people demanded more Margie. How does it feel?
Margie: It feels pretty good. I feel like an accomplishment. You know, it's what I was really trying to do this whole time. Hey, do you want to do some Reddit reactions?
Cate: Heck yeah.
Dear listeners, how this works is Margie has gone off in secret and procured the finest ADHD Reddit threads that Reddit has to offer. And she's going to read them to me, and we're going to talk about them, and we're going to react to them together. That's it. That's the premise. Yeah, it ain't that deep.
(01:00) A sparkle-stealing husband
Margie: This one is called "a sad one."
Cate: Oh Jesus. Okay.
Margie: Just came up for air after a giant hour-long sobbing session. I am so heartbroken. While talking to my husband tonight after a huge discussion about our rocky relationship right now, I asked him, "Am I different now that I'm on medication?" Keep in mind, this man used to really give me hell when I was unmedicated and undiagnosed.
He was often frustrated with me about different things. I was so clumsy, it irritated him. I lost things, didn't do enough chores, went to the park too often when we had a newborn instead of staying home and doing the washing —
Cate: Just get out of there. That's not a good partner, just straight up. Like, what?
Margie: There's, there's a lot more.
Cate: Oh God.
Margie: Messy cook, left things around the place, talked too much, blah blah blah, you get the gist. I always felt like I was not good enough, and the quirks that my friends loved about me, he found them annoying. Fast forward, I get diagnosed and he becomes a lot more understanding. Then I get medicated and he really likes it. The chores are more done, house running more smoothly, etc., etc. I feel like, "Okay, finally, I'm doing this right."
Then tonight when I asked him that question, he said that I have lost my sparkle, I'm too business-like, and I'm more tired from doing so much stuff. OMG, I burst into tears. He didn't know what he had said, was all confused —
Cate: Yeah, he did.
Margie: Which I understood.
Cate: No, he wasn't.
Margie: He kept saying, "I'm sorry, I just answered your question. I didn't mean to hurt you." And he felt really bad. I couldn't even form the words to tell him how heartbroken I felt that no version of me is good. "Lost my sparkle" just hurt me so much as I always used to feel like he didn't like that side of me.
He never complimented me on that quirky, sparkly side. He always said negative things about it. For example, friends would say something like, "OMG, that's such a you thing. I love it." And my husband might make a comment like, "Yeah, try living with her," and roll his eyes.
This is where I think to myself, "Am I too sensitive?" But I feel so sad. No version of me feels like the one that's good enough.
Cate: Okay, I'm so mad that I'm standing up in my chair.
(04:10) Is it ADHD… or a toxic partner?
Cate: A healthy relationship does not make you feel less than. End stop. ADHD, medication, or not. A partner who makes you feel like shit about yourself, no matter how you show up, is not a good partner. This is a classic means of controlling someone, where all you do is criticize, all you do is nitpick, all you do is say, "You're terrible, and you're bad, and I don't like how you do this thing, and I don't like how you do this thing."
And then they change, and they change for you. And they work really hard to, like, do the thing in the way that you want. And then they go, "That though, that's not good enough either." That's not — it's because it's not about you. It is not about the poster. It is about the partner wanting the poster to feel small. It is about the partner wanting to put the poster in their place and say, "You're never going to be good enough. You're so lucky that I'm with you. You can't do any better."
The fact of the matter is that I don't think the loss of sparkle, if there even is one, because I'm willing to bet that this person is still fabulous and incredible and amazing. But you know how you lose the sparkle? Is by being fucking ground down and beaten down by a partner who doesn't treat you well, who makes you do all the dishes, who makes you do all the cooking and cleaning and everything and makes it your responsibility and does not lift a hand to participate.
And then has the audacity, the audacity to tell you that you're doing it bad and wrong and that they don't like how you're cooking, and they don't like the mess you leave behind. Then cook for yourself. Then cook for yourself. Or like how dare you go to the park? Like how dare you take time for yourself to emotionally regulate and do things that are healthy for yourself. How dare you? You've lost your sparkle. I don't like — like, oh man. Oh, man, it has nothing to do with that person.
And like, with medication, there is often a concern about that. There is often a concern about, "I'm going to lose my creativity. I'm going to lose my sparkle. I'm going to lose whatever." But often where that fear comes from is from a fear of not showing up as your authentic self anymore. And so this poster, I'm assuming it's a she, doesn't have the ability to be themselves. There is no space in their own life where she can be herself. And so dulling the sparkle, making herself smaller in order to please the partner, then on top of that, now she's taking medication that does give her the ability to focus and to like get the stuff done.
But is she getting the stuff done because she wants to get the stuff done? Or is she getting the stuff done out of fear that the partner is going to get angry and upset and criticize and further tear her down if she doesn't? That's where the loss of sparkle is coming from.
Margie: That's such a good point. Yeah.
Cate: One of the things that is hardest about this work — and I know this is probably true for you too, Margie, like I get comments like this all the time. I get emails like this all the time from people — it's staggering. It is staggering how many women are in unhealthy, toxic relationships because they're being told that they're the problem. And maybe if they just work a little harder, maybe if they just change their entire way of being and moving through the world, then they'll be good enough for love.
Margie: It seems like any way you cut it, this partner would have been upset by something. And I could so see where people-pleasing and rejection sensitivity is playing for this poster too, where it's like, "Well, I want to please my partner." Like, their rejection was big enough for them to change everything about themselves.
Cate: I feel like I wanted to do a whole episode on this, but just rejection sensitivity and people-pleasing and not leaving toxic relationships because it's so scary. And I don't want to like minimize that or be like, "Oh, all you have to do is just leave them." Like there's so many —
Margie: It could be so hard to leave.
Cate: Mitigating factors. But there's so many women with ADHD who are staying in toxic and unhealthy relationships because of the fear of leaving and that people-pleasing element. Do you have like a fun one that we can pallet cleanse on?
Margie: I know, right? I was like, maybe I'll do one more. I'm trying to remember what this one was even about. Oh. Not of them were — none of them were fun. This one is called, "I'm scared of losing my relationship with my girlfriend because of my inattention."
Cate: Okay, let's hear it. Let's hear it.
(08:20) ADHD shame spiral: “I can’t do anything right!”
Margie: All right. I, 25 female, have been with my girlfriend, 22 female, for three years. We live together. On paper, everything is great, but the problem has always been me. I started a big corporate job three weeks ago, and last week, my aunt passed away, so I took some sick days. I feel completely overwhelmed by everything that comes with having a job and trying to be good at it, which I clearly can't be, considering I'm on Reddit instead of working right now.
My girlfriend was abroad for a week and I was so proud of myself while she was gone. I did four loads of laundry, cleaned the apartment, got everything ready for her return, bought all the food she likes. For once, I felt productive and capable. She came home this morning and at first, everything was perfect. We were happy to see each other, caught up, laughed. But two hours later, she started cleaning the whole house, getting frustrated at how messy it was. And as she pointed things out, the dirt, the clutter, all the little details I'd completely missed — things that I don't see and realize — it hit me that I'm like one of those guys you have to clean up after.
She can't relax around me because she can't trust that I'll do things properly. When I cook, she knows I'll leave a mess. When I clean, I forget half of what needs to be done. I try so hard, I swear, but I just can't seem to get it right. Everything feels overwhelming. I have no routine, no rhythm. My job drains me because I need 15 extra hours just to do what others seem to manage easily. I'm starting to think I just can't live a stable, normal life, that I can't have a relationship, maintain a home, and handle a full-time consulting job all at once.
And maybe I need to break up with her because she deserves peace. Just because I'm stupid and can't do dishes properly. I hate ADHD.
Cate: Oh, that makes me so sad. First off, if you're worried about weaponized incompetence, you're not doing weaponized incompetence because you're — that's just not how weaponized incompetence works. But it's been three weeks. It's not even a month. And when we talk about executive functioning, when we talk about the way that our brains sort of navigate through the world, changes in routine, changes in structure, changes in the way that we're living our life — I mean, like, just imagine, just for shits, dear listener, imagine that every day you wake up at 11:30 a.m., the lap of luxury, right?
And then all of a sudden your job changes and now you have to be at work at 5 a.m. on the dot. That's going to take some getting used to. And every moment of this poster's day is different now, right? They're working a full-time job. It sounds like it's a high-pressure job. It's a big-deal job. They're in the process of relearning and rebuilding a system. Of course stuff is going to fall by the wayside. Of course that, right? And then on top of that, what I see is that maybe there has not been a lot of discussion. This is one of my favorite things to talk about on the show. So, like, this is a repeat for some people, but the conversations around standards of cleanliness, like KC Davis, friend of the podcast, talked about this a lot on her episode.
But what are the standards? Like, are we cool with a pile of clutter on the table where we put the mail? Are we okay with there being like some crumblies on the counter? Or, you know, do we want to make sure that the counters are like spotless every night? This is a really great time for this poster to have this conversation because their job is changing the way that they're living their life. And so that's a great time to say, "Hey, I'm feeling really overwhelmed at the end of the day. I'm feeling really tired and exhausted. Let's talk about equity. Let's talk about who is doing what. Let's talk about, you know, I know that I'm always going to leave a mess when I cook. Well, then maybe the partner could clean or, you know, I'll sweep and vacuum but you dust because I know that you don't like it when there's like dusties on the shelves, but I don't tend to notice them."
I think that's part of it. I also think that this is sort of an interesting moment because something else that I'm hearing in the story is the partner went off for like a week or so, and so she had time to not be in the space. She had time to sort of kill the clutter blindness, kill the space blindness of, "Oh, this is just how my house is," goes off, comes back and is like, "Oh my God, it's so messy and cluttered in here." Meanwhile, the person who has been in the apartment and who has been living is like, "Yeah, this is how the apartment is." And so you've got two different perspectives based on time away, time out, and then somebody who has been hyper-focused on, "I really want to clean this apartment. I really want to get it really nice for my girlfriend when she comes back."
And so yeah, like I don't think this is an unfixable problem. And frankly, this sounds like a partner who deeply cares about the relationship and wants to do well. But a lot of it also sounds like internalized shame and internalized guilt. And like calling yourself stupid because you're in the midst of a massive change and just all of this stuff going on. That to me is a place where I'm like, as ADHDers, I think it's really important that we really examine those places where we're like, "Oh, I'm such a fuck up. Like, oh, I'm so stupid. I can't do anything right. You can do a lot of stuff right. I guarantee you that you can do a lot of stuff right.
And it is more difficult. And because it is more difficult, being honest about that difficulty and saying, "I don't have the energy anymore to cook dinner and clean up and empty the dishwasher and do the sweeping and do the washing and all the stuff that I had been doing." Sometimes stuff needs to shift. Sometimes things need to change. And it doesn't mean that you're a failure. It doesn't mean that you're a bad person or a bad partner, or that you're, like, using weaponized — nobody plots, like, if you're using weaponized incompetence, you're not going like, "I'm going to pretend." Like it just, you know what I mean? Like there's not that self-awareness component.
And so if that is the fear, then I think the most powerful thing that can happen here is not one, like a series, a series of vulnerable and intimate conversations, not only about the share of the workload, but also just like it would break my heart if I found out that my partner felt like they were stupid or they were bad at stuff. So, dear listener, if you see yourself in this post, I just, I really encourage you to have a conversation around standard of care and who's doing what. KC Davis is a great resource. The Fair Play deck, that just single-handedly saved my marriage is the Fair Play deck. So things like that you can check out. But yeah, just starting a conversation about, "What does clean mean to you?"
Margie: Yeah. Y'all need to talk. These two partners need to like have a conversation because this poster is even considering breaking up with this person. And I feel like they're having that conversation only with themselves and it's kind of selfish not to bring in your partner and what they think about it. 'Cause like what, you're going to break up with me over this? Like, no, like let's talk about this. Let's, you know, like, and not just like assume and jump to that.
And it also makes me think of with the whole corporate setting, corporate jobs tend to be not very neurodivergent-friendly. So you're masking, like you're in like fight mode at the office. Yeah. And so I think when you get home after that, it's almost like this is a safe space for me to like take that mask off and you're not thinking about all the other executive functions 'cause you're burnt out.
Cate: Yeah. This is again, this is like one of those like hot takes that I always feel really weird about suggesting. But there is also external support available. Like if you are making enough money to maybe bring in a cleaning person even once a month to do like a deep clean. You know, I'm not saying that's like feasible for everybody, but sometimes saying like, "Hey, I'm going to pay somebody 20 bucks an hour to come in, you know, 60 bucks, 100 bucks, something like that." Small amount of money that can make such a huge difference in like quality of life and stress relief and like that kind of thing. There's a lot of different options available that aren't just, "And I still personally have to manage all of this on my own." Or like do like chore swapping service with your friends. Like, "I'll come do your dishes if you come sweep my floor." I don't know, do it for free, you know? Community, build community.
That's it for this week's episode of "Sorry, I Missed This." Thanks again to my wonderful, amazing, cool producer, Margie, for joining me and sourcing these Reddit threads. If you, dear listener, spot a good Reddit thread that you think would be a fun reaction to talk about on the podcast, shoot it over to us in an email at sorryimissedthis@understood.org. Thanks for being here.
Margie: Bye.
Cate: Bye.
hank you for listening! Anything mentioned in the episode will be linked in the show notes, with more resources. Have a question, comment, burning story you'd like to share? Email us at SorryImissedthis@understood.org.
This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.
"Sorry, I Missed This" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli and Margie DeSantis.
Video is produced by Calvin Knie and edited by Jessie DiMartino. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Production support provided by Andrew Rector.
Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. From Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Jordan Davidson.
And I'm your host, Cate Osborn. Thank you SO much for listening!